I recently sat through a first date that was so clinical I almost asked the guy for his tax returns and a list of professional references.
“So, what does a typical day-to-day look like for you?” he asked, leaning over his craft beer with the intensity of a recruiter at a job fair.
“Well,” I said, “I usually start with a crisis of faith and three cups of coffee. You?”
He didn’t laugh. He just took a note. (Okay, he didn’t actually take a note, but his eyes definitely did a mental ‘Ctrl+S’).
If you’ve been on a date in the last year, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
We’ve traded banter for background checks. We’ve traded chemistry for compatibility metrics.
And honestly? It’s making us all want to join a nunnery.
Is this the death of the “slow burn”?
We are the most “connected” generation in history, yet we’ve forgotten how to actually talk to each other.
With so much information at our fingertips—Instagram handles, LinkedIn bios, Spotify playlists—we feel like we have to “optimize” the first hour of meeting.
We want to know:
- Do you want kids?
- What’s your credit score?
- Are you an avoidant attacher?
- Do you think the Earth is flat?
While these are valid questions (except maybe the flat earth one), asking them in the first twenty minutes kills the “spark” dead in its tracks.
We’re treating dating like a screening process for a mid-level corporate position instead of a human connection.
Do we have a banter deficit?
Banter is the lubricant of romance. It’s the “ping-pong” of conversation where you aren’t just exchanging data; you’re exchanging energy.
The problem is that “The Apps” have trained us to be administrative.
We text our way into a meeting using a “logistics” mindset. It goes like: “7:00 PM? Thursday? The place with the tacos?”
By the time we actually sit down, we’re exhausted from the scheduling.
We’ve used up our “social battery” on the prep work, leaving us with nothing but a checklist for the actual event.
The “unproductive” date challenge
If you want to find the spark again, you have to be willing to be a little “unproductive.”
You have to stop trying to figure out if he’s your future husband by the time the appetizers arrive.
Here are a couple of ways to do this:
- Ban the “Job Talk”: Try to go the first 30 minutes without asking what they do for money. It’s a radical act of rebellion.
- Ask “Vibe” Questions, Not “Resume” Questions: Instead of “Where did you go to school?”, try “What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done for a dare?” or “If you had to join a cult, what kind of cult would it be?” (Note: This is a great way to check for red flags while still being funny).
- Embrace the Silence: You don’t have to fill every gap with a “So… tell me about your siblings.” Sometimes the spark happens in the quiet moments where you’re just being in the same space.
Remember, dating is not an internship
You aren’t a hiring manager, and he isn’t a candidate.
You are two complex, messy, slightly-broken-but-trying humans trying to see if your brands of “weird” play well together.
The spark isn’t something you “find” on a spreadsheet.
It’s something you create when you stop treating the person across from you like a puzzle to be solved and start treating them like a story to be told.
When was the last time you left a date feeling energized rather than just informed?
What’s the most “job interview” question you’ve ever been asked on a first date?
Let’s roast the boring together.
